It’s been a little while since I’ve written anything
substantial on the Squirrel Menace. This does not, however, mean that the
danger has lessened.
Nay, it grows more severe.
You see, the squirrels know where I live and have set up
shop. Not only is there what looks to be a squirrel habitat in the tree next to
my little balcony (seriously, I have never seen that many squirrels nesting in
one place), but they are venturing closer.
Recently, Roomie was getting ready for work when she heard a
rustling at her window. Glancing over at the noise, she was horrified to see a
squirrel holding on to the screen. Just staring in.
The realization that squirrels are not only bent on human
destruction, but Peeping Toms to boot, would have been bad enough. But Roomie also
is now haunted by the question of how the squirrel arrived there. We live five
stories up and, unlike mine which is connected to the balcony next to the
squirrel tree, her window is well into the side of the building. There are no
ledges around it, nothing but brick and concrete. So, how did the
squirrel make its way over there with nothing to hold on to?
Right now, we’re guessing suction cups on the paws or a
grappling hook.
Needless to say, she’s been keeping her blinds closed as of
late.
And then there is my family. Far off, in another state
entirely, they are also being harassed by the little demons. They have a tree
of bird houses to further attract the aerial forces we will need in the battle
to come, but the squirrels have gotten wise. Every time that my parents put
seed out for the birds, the squirrels come a knocking. They pilfer the offering
to our winged friends in an attempt to undermine our relationships and sew
seeds of distrust among the troops.
On top of this, my father arrived home one night to find a
squirrel sitting on top of a garbage can. The creature showed no interest in
what was inside. Instead he just sat there, staring at my father. Watching his
every move. When my father moved towards the garbage can in an attempt to scare
the squirrel off, the little creeper didn’t bat an eye. He sat there,
continuing to stare, letting my father know in no uncertain terms that he would
move when he damn well felt like it.
I can only assume that these squirrels are studying human
behavior in preparation for some kind of body snatching initiative. So, beware,
my friends. Beware.
But, worry not! I will continue to bring you news whenever
possible. My family will not be intimidated by the squirrels’ heavy handed tactics,
whether they come by land,
sea or sky.
Together, we will prevail.
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