There is the chance that you are not all aware of this, and while I don’t wish to be the bringer of bad tidings, I feel that you deserve to know --- the squirrels are mounting an attack. And unless we stand together, humans do not have a chance.
I first suspected the devious actions of these vermin years ago. Roomie was walking across campus, when one of them sprung from the shadows, running up her legs and jumping to her chest before leaping back into the darkness from which it came. Thus, the Ninja Squirrels began their more brazen operations. And they have escalated.
A very short time ago, my sister went to the front door because she heard a noise. She opened it and there was a squirrel gnawing a hole through the screen door. She tried to scare him into running away, but he just kept working on his chosen destruction. Some have tried to convince me the squirrel was just trying to get to the cinnamon bread a neighbor had hung on the inside door, but I know better. He knows that I’m working in resistance to his brethren and was trying to get to me and mine.
And, last night as I was driving home, a squirrel was sitting on the street corner, calmly eating a nut and watching the cars drive by. I’m pretty sure he winked at me.
It is only a matter of time before they mount a full scale invasion.
It is for this reason that I will now defer to my friend, the Good Doctor from Boston (identity redacted to thwart any squirrel moles who might be reading), who explained the evolution of squirrel guerilla tactics months ago when I started further down this rabbit hole:
“It has long been documented that ninja squirrels are just the first line of the squirrel invasion. Our future squirrel overlords realized that they needed to start small or else we'd think something was up.
First they sent in the cute squirrels. Cute squirrels appealed to our natural "awwww" tendencies especially when their cheeks were full of nuts or they had a piece of french fry in their cute, itty-bitty little hands-- oh you're such a cuty wooty squirrely with your little fren --sorry. The point is, the Cute Squirrel Ops Force had the sole mission of the getting humans to think squirrels were cute building the squirrel-human trust. Then came the First Division Neurotic Squirrels.
These are the spastic ones. The ones that run around the trunk, leap from tree to tree. Any sane person would walk away from such a squirrel. BUT this is no longer possible by the CSOF already did it's job. We are amused by the FDNS. They only add to the cuteness. Once humans were comfortable with strange squirrel behavior, the Ninja Squirrels could move in and begin the slow, silent attack on hominids.
Ninja Squirrels strike in the dead of night or when you're distracted by a CSOF or FDNS. They lurk in the shadows, awaiting the stray biped victim. But they are not the last round. Before you know it, the Samurai Squirrels will be launched.
They will work a bit more openly, though still shadowy manned. But all of this will still be a ruse. The main squirrel force will soon be in our midst, waiting for the moment they can spring their main attack and enslave us all. We will be forced to gather nuts and run irrationally around trees purely for their enjoyment.
If we are to prevent the inevitable we have but one course of action: raise up an army of squirrel-blood thirsty pigeons. Pigeons are getting fatter. They need something to do. And let's be honest, a pigeon will do anything for a bread crumb.
The squirrel conquest will be slow so we have time to effectively train a whole army of pigeons. I for one look forward to the day the epic squirrel-pigeon struggle begins, call it Squir-Pige-aggedon. God willing, we will be victorious.
We will prevail.”
Please return tomorrow for my response to this harrowing recounting. Until then, watch out for yourselves.