Perusing the Wanteds

This weekend I watched Safety Not Guaranteed (definitely worth a watch, by the way). The story is kicked off when a journalist and a couple of interns go to investigate a man who placed an unusual ad in the paper.

WANTED: Someone to go back in time with me. This is not a joke. You’ll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. I have only done this once before. Safety not guaranteed.

I thought a lot about whether or not I’d answer this ad. I mean, I’d certainly want to. A chance at time travel is pretty hard to pass up. I’m totally fine with not getting my money up front, but I would need a little more information about the target date and the purpose of the travel. If we’re going back for research purposes or to fix something, awesome. But if the placer of this ad is interested in screwing things up….well, then it’s even more important for me to go so that there’s someone there to try and stop him.

The ad that was displayed on Emma Trevayne's tumblr the other day, I would answer with less reservation. I don’t really have to many questions for the person who placed it. It’s fairly straightforward, provides good instruction, is clear that this is not an attack on all dragons, just the one. So, I wouldn’t have any problem following those bullets, but I would add another in between two and three. Prior to the discussed slaying, I would try to have a conversation with the dragon, see if I can get a better idea regarding what she’s looking for in OKC. I’m not sure I’m ready to take out such a creature if her only crime is that she caught the episode of Man V. Food where Adam Richman ends up in Oklahoma City, and subsequently had a yen for catfish.

After giving it the necessary thought, here are the other ads that I would be willing to answer:

• Gremlin wrangler. I have experience with mischief makers. Also, this job would probably help me in my efforts to avoid late night snacking.
• One-Eyed Willie’s treasure hunter. We all know that the bulk of Willie’s treasure was cast out to sea on an unmanned ship. I love being out on the water and I also believe myself to be fairly intuitive when it comes to spotting booby traps. I may not be able to get you to the ship, but once we’re there, I will ensure your safety. Money back guarantee. Provided we’re all still alive.
• Haunted house flipper. I know how to swing a hammer, have a decent eye for interior design, and don’t mind a few specters lurking whilst I work. The house may still be laden with spirits of the past, but when I’m done with it, it’s gonna look brand new. It should also be noted that I am the target demographic for buying such a property, as well.

Do not however, forward me anything for the following:

• Gorgon slayer. These ladies have gotten a bad rap. If my name meant “terrible” or “dreadful,” I’d probably be a little ticked off too. Despite their sometimes abrasive personalities, they can protect against evil and also do a bit of healing. So, just leave them alone.
• Unicorn hunter. You should just be ashamed of yourself.
• Mascot picking focus group member. Mascots are possibly the most terrifying things in the world and every time I see one coming toward me, I just want to punch it in its, generally comically oversized, head.

All right, folks, let me know which ads you’d be interested in seeing.

Until next time, see you in the classifieds!