I’ve been layering on sweaters for the past week to guard
against the chill. That’s right, the chill. Because apparently being within two
and a half weeks of the first day of summer isn’t enough to get Mother Nature
to stop giving Maine the cold shoulder. My only recourse is therefore to focus
on large-scale summery thoughts.
And what’s more large scale and summery than superheroes?
Who, let’s face it, are half-assing their jobs. For all
their strengths these super-individuals seem to lack a certain amount of
staying power. Sure, they show up and save the day (and scores of lives) time and time again. Don’t get me wrong, that’s great, but what is the quality
of these rescued lives?
Undoubtedly, everyone’s feeling pretty elated about the
whole being alive thing at first, but what happens when that survivor’s glow
wears off? Everyone has to deal with the fact that their entire concept of
reality has just been blown to crap. Where, might we ask, are the superheroes
then? Maybe they’ve flown the coop for a romantic getaway with that special
someone or really had to book it back to school for their U.S. History midterm.
Perhaps they’re just settling down for a well-deserved
post-averting-the-apocalypse snack.
It doesn’t really matter because the result is always the
same – the mere mortals are left to Kubler-Ross it up themselves and put their
lives back together piece by piece. Which is particularly unfair when you
consider that these five are so equipped to help humanity deal with the various
stages of grief:
Denial – Hindsight
In the wake of total and utter destruction, sometimes it’s
nice to pretend that none of it ever happened. Everything’s still fine. And who
better to help with that than an individual whose claim to fame is his ability to
accurately analyze how events could have ended if different choices were made? Carlton
LaFroyge can listen for hours while humanity goes on and on about how things
are still totally the way they were – no big. And each time he’ll just sagely
nod and say, “They could have been.” The main reason Mr. LaFroyge will probably
be willing to tackle this somewhat thankless job is for his own safety. I can’t
imagine that there is anyone the other superheroes want to punch more in the
face than this guy while he’s Monday-morning-quarterbacking their most recent
supervillain defeats. Additional bonus, the fact that this gentleman is so intensely
punchable will eventually catapult humans to the next stage of their grieving.
Anger – Hulk
There are a lot of angry superheroes. I’m pretty sure that
all job listings for the career path state, “Qualified
candidates must have a constant, barely contained fury simmering just close
enough to the surface that it ruins any personal relationship they endeavor
upon.” However, it would be foolish of me to pretend that there is a better
face for Terrifyingly Overpowering Rage than Dr. Bruce Banner’s alter ego, the
Savage Hulk. Childlike and temperamental, this hero is an expert in the
navigating the physical manifestations of anger, aka breaking things. Thankfully,
because Dr. Banner is a self-sacrificing sort of person he’ll probably be
willing to help us humans smash out our issues and because he’s a genius, he’ll
probably take us in controllable groups to a place where we’re less likely to
do more damage than necessary to our established infrastructure. Now, odds are
pretty good that the whole of humanity will tire before the Hulk does. So, when
all the anger has been forced out of you, leaving nothing but an exhausted
husk, it’s time to advance to the next stage. But, let’s keep it in the family,
shall we?
Bargaining – She-Hulk
When everyone gets to the bargaining stage, Jennifer Walters
is who we want in our corner. Generally, a little bit more chill than her
cousin, Ms. Walters is a skilled and versatile attorney. She’s represented the
whole spectrum of clients – victims of crime, criminals, corporations,
superheroes and supervillains. And, she’s won. A lot. Not all that surprising,
when you consider her talent for seeing various perspectives – even within
herself. After all Ms. Walters and She-Hulk don’t always agree on the issues
and they’re the same person. This is a lady truly gifted at the art of debate.
Ready to try regaining normalcy through negotiation? Call her immediately. But
if you’re feeling more like getting into bed and pulling the blankets over your
head for awhile, maybe it’s time to move on.
Depression – Yellowjacket
Sad Henry Pym is sad. Crime fighting just doesn’t hold the
same allure it once did. He hasn’t made a big scientific discovery since those
Pym particles. Even worse, his failures seem highlighted by the successes of
all those around him and it’s throwing him off his game, not to mention making
for a fairly miserable home life. Which kind of explains why he jumped the gun
and screwed up Captain America’s plan to calm down the Elfqueen, leading to his
subsequent court-martial. Spoiler alert: Things for Dr. Pym are going to get
worse before they get better, making him the perfect choice for the public when
they reach the stage of melancholy and despair. This guy is an expert in those
feelings. Just a little tip for humanity – when Pym starts talking about how
much greater the world would be if we could all just build a giant robot to
attack our friends, you might want to think about scheduling a meeting with our
final hero.
Acceptance – Oracle
Barbara Gordon kicked quite a bit of ass as Batgirl. Then
the Joker shot and paralyzed her, ending her crime-fighting career. So, what
did she do? Built a new freaking crime fighting career – continuing to help
Batman, joining up with the Suicide Squad, forming the Birds of Prey, and serving
as a member of a little group of well intentioned souls called the Justice
League of America. Because when the going gets tough, the tough like to work
with Barbara Gordon. Why? She keeps her shit together. Babs doesn’t pretend
things are great – whenever her world is totaled, she acknowledges the astronomical
level of suck and then keeps on moving forward. Who better, then, to help the
general populace reach that final step of accepting that their old lives are
over and it’s time to rebuild? Think of how full of purpose they’ll be.
Right
up until the next villain causes countless casualties and trillions upon
trillions of dollars in property damage and everyone needs to start this whole
damn process all over again.
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