In conclusion, I'm basically a metaphorical zombie

As I’ve mentioned, I regularly ask Roomie weird questions without any sort of context. Sometimes they’re related to a story I’m working on, sometimes they’re just what happened to pop into my head at that moment. But last night something shocking happened. Something that was completely unprecedented in our years of friendship.

Roomie asked me one.

I waiting to order my quesadilla and she asked, “If you were to wake up tomorrow and I wasn’t there and then you gradually realized that no one was there and that no electronics worked, what would you do?”

I stared for a second in shock at the uncharacteristic query, then got some clarification before answering. To be clear, in her question, I did not wake up to some post-apocalyptic slaughtering ground. No bodies. Everyone had just disappeared. The lack of electronics ensured that I could not call or see on the TV if this was world wide or just within the city in which I live. Roomie allowed that my car would probably work, but I’m guessing that navigational systems and gas pumps would be a no go.

My answer:

I would pack a bag of books and kitchen knifes (in case this all really goes sideways and turns into a zombie-type situation). Then I’d get in the car and drive as far as I could in the direction of my childhood home in search of other people. Once I ran out of gas, I’d continue on foot.

My choice in destination was two fold, as my family all still lives in that area and I could find it without the help of a navigational system. And there are not many places that I could say that about.

Roomie then gave her answer:

I would gather all the food I could and find a home base I could hide it in. Probably not our apartment. I’d find a nice house. I’d go to the grocery store and fill the granny-cart with jugs and jugs of water. Once I’d secured that I might drive around to see if I could find other people. I wouldn’t take too many of my supplies cause that would make the car heavier and slow me down.

I found out after I had her answer that Roomie was mildly disgusted that food and water never even entered in to my thought process. Whoops. Guess you don’t want to be stuck with me in a post-apocalyptic world. Unless you’re a fan of brevity. When Roomie demanded to know what in all the world I would bring a bag of books with me, I explained that if I get stuck somewhere, I don’t want to have just dwell on the fact that I may starve to death if things go well and the zombies don’t find me first. I’d like the option of enjoying a nice story.

What it comes down to, I guess, is that if everyone in the world started to disappear, Roomie would make sure you had shelter and sustenance, while I would be prepared to entertain and fight zombies to the death on your behalf. So, really, you’re best chance of happy survival is for neither of us to disappear.

As this conversation was coming to a close, I had to ask what prompted Roomie’s question. Her voice got a little high as she said, “You ask me weird questions all the time!” Believe me, I wasn’t complaining. So, I explained that I just wanted to know what inspired this so I could ensure that it would happen again in the future. She gave me a little smile and shrugged, clearly unable to pinpoint the origin of this thought process.

And that’s when I came to a shocking, yet satisfying, realization. In the story of Roomie’s life, I am the zombie.

It’s taken me almost eight years, but I’ve finally gotten to her brain.  

In other terrifying news, here is the Squirrel Menace Update: Do not be distracted if they pull the old “ears on fire” trick. It is just a distraction!