Superhero Capes Are Really Just Fancy Security Blankets

As a kid, I didn’t believe in monsters at all.

Until the lights went out.

Yeah, I talked a good game, but once it was dark, every shadow seemed to have ominous purpose. Demons of all shapes and sizes, waiting to pounce.

Sure, I took precautions, but they were always only temporary solutions.

I always made sure the Wicked Witch doll was in a drawer when bedtime rolled around. But even then I knew that a couple of pieces of wood were paltry compared to her magic fire balls. And I’ve mentioned that my favorite reading place for scarier books was the bathroom, because with the shower curtain open, I could see every corner. No way any monsters were going to jump out at me there. But in the back of my mind was the little voice reminding me that eventually, I was going to finish and have to make a run for it back to my bedroom.

I needed something more lasting. Thankfully, superheroes provided me with the answer here.

The cape.

There had to be a reason so many of them wore capes. Sure, as a fashion choice, it was interesting, but not generally the most practical accessory. So, there must be more to it than that. The sheet of fabric must serve as some kind of protective force. Right?

Well, it certainly seemed right back then.

Over time, I became convinced that the only thing standing between me and the night monsters were the blankets on my bed. I slept covered from head to toe. My sister, on the other hand, was a sleep kicker, which caused me no little stress as I was determined to save us from the Winkies evil machinations. So, I would wait up until she was asleep to make sure that she was fully covered with the monster repelling Beauty & The Beast sheets.

On the rare nights where nightmare recovery requires some parental assistance, I would wrap a sheet around my shoulders when I ran to my parents’ room. Only way to ensure some degree of safety in my travels.

My tolerance for scary things has grown over the years. The Wicked Witch had her reasons for being annoyed. And I can’t think of the last time I felt the need to lock myself in a bathroom to comfortably read a book.

But, I will say, when I pick up a thriller, or the music in a movie or show suddenly takes a turn for the menacing, it’s always nice to have a blanket nearby. 

Ring In All Hallows Eve With Style...

Happy Halloween, my friends!

I’m going to go on the assumption that every single one of you is dressed to the nines in the greatest costumes ever as you read this. (Please don’t tell me if I’m wrong. I like my fantasy world.)

If you’re anything like me, you probably went through hours and hours of agonizing pondering before landing on that perfect costume. Or, you know, however long it takes you to finish a bag of candy corn.

And then, even after you’ve made your final decision, you’re just wracked with thoughts of all the costume ideas you discarded. Well, thanks to the absolutely awesome PicMonkey, you can see the many versions of your Halloween self.

Here are mine:

It’s both a creepy and awesome way to spend a little of your Halloween. I mean, how many other times do you get to ruminate on your ideal number of oozing sores or if your pockmarks should have a reddish tint or if maybe blue is better?

And finally…here’s what I landed on for this year’s costume.

Identity Thief! 

What are you dressed up as? (Lie if you have to.)

I'd Like To See Some Dead People

Who ya gonna call?

Well, generally my answer to that would be obvious. But today, I’m less interested in getting in touch with the Busters, more with the Ghosts.

You see, there is very little in this world that I would love more than to live somewhere haunted. With a friendly ghost*, of course. I have always been against living with those who are vindictive and cruel, a rule of thumb I have no problem extending to the spirit world.

I’m not saying that the ghost always needs to be a great mood. Of course not. That’s just unreasonable. But I don’t want to have to worry about possession while I’m trying to get the vacuuming done.

Also, while I’d certainly be happy just to pal around with some apparitions, I’m actually in the market for a business arrangement. Basically, I’d like to hire a ghost.

Who better to specialize in home security?

And don’t worry, my translucent friends, I’m not just asking you to sit in the basement and rattle some chains. I would never think of pigeon-holing you in such a stereotypical manner.  

I am looking for a minimum of two ghosts to be responsible for watching over the homestead at all hours. Vacation time can be arranged, but there must always be one ghost on duty. The methods you use to protect the house will be left to your discretion. Payment to be determined.

Bitter, homicidal, or generally ill-tempered specters** need not apply.

If you, or anyone you know, fit this description, please let me know.

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In other (somewhat) related news, I have a message for the governess: I know you’re not crazy. The ghosts were real.

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Today’s breakfast recommendation: Boo Berry

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And, finally….BEETLEJUICE, BEETLEJUICE, BEETLEJUICE!

* See: Casper, Dennis Pearson, Annie Sawyer, Nearly Headless Nick, etc.

** See: Chucky, Jacob Marley, May, etc.

Monsters or Misunderstood?

Who isn’t talking about the possibility of a zombie apocalypse these days? Just plug the term into Google News and check out how many mentions there have been in the recent weeks.

We’re gearing up, we’re preparing. And though, I personally believe the squirrel threat is more pressing than that of the undead, I do understand the need for precautions.

This threat, after all, is ongoing. They even had issues with it a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away. So, it’s clear that this is not just some passing paranoia, but a true obstacle that must be dealt with if we wish to ensure quality of life for those who have yet to die the first time.

But let’s not be too hasty in our zombie slayings, lest we forget that the undead are people too. Sort of. For the most part, I do not believe that these individuals aspired to be zombified (though there are undoubtedly exceptions to this statement).

Sometimes they were dragged from their place of rest by another person of magical inclination, a la Billy Butcherson, in Hocus Pocus.

Now, I don’t know about you, but if someone wakes me up from a deep sleep, I am, to put it mildly, not fit to be around. I would imagine that being called from the dead is slightly more jarring. So, can we really blame zombies for being a little out of sorts when they first rise? And to make matters worse, we never even let them fully clear cobwebs from the old brain pan before we start trying to take their heads off. If someone woke me up without my permission and before I could even focus on what was going on a mob of folks were coming at me with cudgels, to be completely honest, I’d start biting people too. Which brings us to another way to create zombies – biting.

One of those guys takes a chomp out of you and it’s pretty much a done deal. You are on your way to being the living dead, at least until that mob gets to you. Then you’ll just be the dead dead. Which let’s face it, is, as previously illustrated, our own damn fault. If we just let the undead acclimate for five seconds before trying to make them twice dead, maybe we’d find them a little less ornery and likely to eat the flesh from our bones.

I’m not saying to run up and hug them. Keep a safe distance, make sure your armed in case things go sideways. Just give them a moment to breathe.

And definitely, whatever you do, do not run away if they decide to break into dance. That just makes them angry.

Again, this annoyance is understandable. Have you ever be part of a performance? How would you feel if folks up and ran away before you finished? Not great, that’s how. Probably a little put out. So save yourself the terrified running through fixer-uppers and be a good audience member (this is just a good rule in general).

And my last bit of zombie-related advice? Watch Shaun of the Dead.

That is all.

Today’s snacking recommendation: Zombie cupcakes

Bewtiched, Bothered and Bewildered

It’s no secret that I used to be mortally terrified of the Wicked Witch of the West. She was a constant visitor to my worst nightmares. However, over the years, thanks to the efforts of many storytellers, I have come to understand that not all witches are the monsters I thought them to be as a young child.

Glinda was not enough to convince me. After all, she made Dorothy go on the whole long trip, without giving her all the pertinent information. Can’t trust her.

I think the book that really got me thinking about the unfair treatment of witches was The Conjurer Princess by Vivian Vande Velde. I read this one back when I was around eleven. Poor Princess Lylene starts out her quest to save her kidnapped sister by learning magic from a wizard – magic that makes her age rapidly and has her hunted as a witch. Sure, Lylene wasn’t always a paragon of virtue. She made mistakes, got some blood on her hands. But her goals were noble and she was driven by the desire to help her sister.

Shortly after this, I saw Teen Witch for the first time. And you just can’t spend any time with Louise Miller and still think witches are wicked. Pretty sure that it’s an actual impossibility.

After this, I took a look at the witches that had most terrified me back in the day. Each of these women, admittedly, chose some unfortunate ways of expressing their anger, but that doesn’t mean that their anger wasn’t justified.

Yes, the Wicked Witch of the West’s fireballs and kidnapping were a little extreme, but I’d be pretty put out myself if I found some kid robbing my sister’s grave. And no, fattening children up with the intention of eating them should never be a go-to plan, but perhaps Hansel and Gretel shouldn’t have literally started eating the witch out of house and home. Sure, the Sanderson Sisters wanted to suck the lives out of all the children in Salem to ensure their eternal youth, but….Nope, can’t actually find a way to justify that. They were just evil. But, great singers, right?
 

So, today I’m Team Witch. Whether they ride brooms, dance under the moon, own a couple cauldrons and a scrying mirror, run a nightclub, or are just genuine badasses like Minerva McGonagall.

Who are your favorite witches, good, bad or otherwise?

Today’s breakfast recommendation: Gingerbread house (Just make sure no one’s living in it before you start eating).

Eternal Life (on the Page)

We’ve been hanging around vampires for thousands of years. Cultures all over the world and throughout history have spun tales of these bloodsuckers (and apparently honest Abe hunted them). Some of the lore changes from case to case, but a couple things are pretty constant: you don’t really want to meet up with these folks in a dark alley and, despite our long familiarity, on the whole we’re still not bored with these stories yet. At least I’m not, and from the number of vampire stories you can find in your local bookstore, I don’t think I’m alone.

I knew who Dracula was long before I read the book, though I do think The Count was my first real exposure to vampiric culture, followed quickly by Bunnicula. Regardless, by the time I got to readings Bram Stoker’s famous tale, I had a working knowledge of the pale and the petrifying. Unlike, Frankenstein, however, at the end of this book, I was solidly on the side of Harker and Van Helsing. Not only was Dracula a jerky jerk, but Van Helsing’s crew was pretty badass. Not once did they leave me yelling at the book, How could you just assume that everything is going to work out? Where are the precautions? Who are you, Dr. Evil?

Nope. A past lady friend of theirs is turned vampy? Staked through the heart, beheaded and buried with a mouth full of garlic. I mean, I guess they could have doused her body in holy water and set it aflame, but past that, they covered all the bases. Gotta respect that.

Of course, despite my love of this book, I must admit that my true love of vampires began with Buffy. The movie first (who doesn’t occasionally say “Get out of my facial,” a la Hilary Swank?) and then the TV show. It was in the latter where I began to find myself sometimes rooting for the monsters. Not to beat Buffy, of course, but not to be vanquished. And none more so than Spike, a character who was the self-proclaimed “Big Evil” for most of his time on the show. He adored both murder and mayhem, was manipulative and opportunistic, and cultivated what was probably an unhealthy obsession with Passions. And he stole pretty much every scene he was in. 

In conclusion, I’m a little bit more ambiguous as to whether I root for Team Vampire or Team Slayers, than I was regarding the Frankenstein question. But I can say for sure that there are some vampires who I’m happy live to fight another night.

 

Today’s breakfast recommendation: Count Chocula.

It's Not Easy Being Green...Or Made of Dead People's Parts

Sometimes you just have to root for the monster. And the week before Halloween seems like a great time to cue up the cheering squad for five of the most traditional monsters of the season.

Let’s kick things off with good old Dr. Frankenstein’s creation.

When I first read Mary Shelley’s work in middle school, I already knew the basic story. I mean, what kid can make it through eleven Halloweens and not know about Frankenstein’s monster? Of course, at that point I thought the monster was named Frankenstein, so I was a little confused when I found that it was actually the doctor’s name. But I knew the monster would be scary. And he was. He killed people, framed others for murder, and was, all in all, a total terror. That being said, Doc Frankenstein was always far more repugnant to me.

He creates this being and then immediately rejects him because he’s scary looking. The good doctor was smart enough to reanimate bodies, but couldn’t figure out that the eight foot pile of parts he was sewing together wasn’t going to be handsome?

After this total fail of deductive reasoning, he scampers off, leaving the monster to figure things out for himself, which, shock of shocks, doesn’t end well. As the mayhem ensures, Doc Frankenstein laments his actions, saying how it’s all his fault. Woe is he, and all that. Which is all well and good. He did set this ball a-rollin’. But when it comes to taking care of the issue, does he take action? No, he whines and falls ill, gets nursed back to health, makes a few more poor decisions, and then starts the cycle all over again. And all this leaves me wanting one thing, for the poor beast to get his lady friend and be allowed to disappear into the wilderness. 

So, in the grand battle between Team Frankenstein and Team Monster, I’m coming down on the side of Team Monster, despite our champion’s sometimes murderous tendencies.

What about you?

  

Favorite Film Adaptation:

Favorite Television Adaptation:

Today's breakfast recommendation: Frankenberry

Check back in tomorrow. We're going to tackle vampires. (And by tackle, I mean stand at a safe distance reeking of garlic and armed with Super Soakers of holy water, of course.)