Some distressing news was brought to my attention this morning. It appears we have lost the woodchucks, also known as groundhogs, to the Squirrel Menace.
Apparently these dastardly creatures are behind the recent theft of flags from the graves of Civil War veterans in New York.
This is a very disturbing development to say the least. Back in February, I mentioned my desire to avoid a battle on this front. Sadly, I no longer believe we have that option. If they are in league with the Menace, as it appears, we have no choice but to mount a defense against whatever their future plans may be.
I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised by this betrayal. After all, woodchucks are part of a large group of ground squirrels. Still, I guess my hopeful heart was looking for this to be a Vulcan/Romulan situation, where despite common ancestry with the Menace the groundhogs were in alliance with us.
Alas, this is not to be.
I had originally believed that the conflict began in DC in the early 1940s, when an adopted squirrel was forced to suffer horrifying atrocities. However, the woodchucks’ choice to go after Civil War graves may prove that this struggle reaches further back in history. I plan to investigate this further, so that we may better understand what first cause the schism that we are now forced to deal with.
As I continue to delve into this harrowing past, I urge you to be cautious. I have no doubt that these allies to the Menace will chuck all the wood that a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood in our direction.