I come to you now with a continuation of my alarming coverage of the squirrel uprising. My purpose is not to incite panic – though it is warranted – but to assist you in your preparations, so you are not caught unaware.
Yesterday, I posted the information I received from the Good Doctor from Boston regarding the separate branches of the squirrel military. Today, I come to you with my response, in the hopes that it will allay your fears that nothing is being done to oppose the rodent menace.
I greatly fear that your comments are true. For a long while, I have been suspicious of the activities of the CSOF and FDNS.
At first, I tried to convince myself that it was in my head. The horrors unfolding before me could not possibly be real. It was too terrible a thought to bear. With the passing of time, however, I find myself weighed down by the facts of the matter.
The squirrels have come to dominate and will not rest until they have succeeded in their mission. I began this line of questioning to see who would stand with me in this fight. Words can not express my relief that you view this onslaught with the same fervor that I possess.
Therefore, I propose the creation of the American Coalition in Opposition to Rallying Ninja Squirrels. It is my hope that the acronym A.C.O.R.N.S. will lull the squirrels into a false sense of security. Let the vermin believe we are here to provide them aid. Let them think they have us fooled!
And when it seems that the light has been extinguished and the struggle has become to much to bear, remember this:
We will not go quietly into the night!
We will not vanish without a fight!
We're going to live on!
We're going to survive!
Soon, we celebrate our Independence Day!
But until that day, dear friend, I caution you to be wary of whom you share the information of our planned uprising. The squirrels, as you so deftly implied, are crafty buggers. Their spies are everywhere, and though it is a disgrace to our species I know that some humans have joined their rancid ranks.
Now is the time to be our most careful.
We must create our army with only those who can be trusted implicitly; held above all doubt. I applaud your manipulation of the F.P.F. (Fat Pigeon Forces). We are certain to need the air support.
A long road lies ahead of us. But we shall claim victory.
Until the day when our paths once again cross, I bid you farewell.”
I trust those reading this will stand with us.
I leave you with one final piece of advice: Be Prepared. (But not…you know…in the villainous way.) And in the interest of preparedness, please look for “Squirrel Menace Updates” in future posts.